Looking Back

Was talking with my sister April last night, well into the morning, I might add and the subject of babies came up. Now if you know me at all, you know that I just love and adore babies. Human babies, animal babies, baby fish, baby birds - you name it and I will fall for one. Lately though, I am soooo over that. I see a baby and it coos at me or really just looks at me and instantly I want to hold it. So, I hold it and then it's over. I'm ready to hand it back to it's mother or someone else. This is really sad to me. I don't know when this happened either. I've been fighting these feelings for a few years. I know what it means too. It means that I am getting old. Let's face it. The years of having babies of my own are behind me.

You might wonder what in the heck I'm talking about. I already have 4 children of my own ages 10-17. No, I don't want anymore children. Please God forbid that, but to know that my little babies are all past all those early stages of childhood and are growing towards adulthood makes me sooo sad. It's really amazing how time flies. The time I had home with all my kids is all behind me now and now I'm working. I'm no longer a stay at home mom. The hours in the day are just not enough to do all the things I wanted to do when I was home with them (the things I failed to do). And here I sit at my computer feeling guilty about opportunities missed. There is still tomorrow though. Today has got to be the new tomorrow if I don't want anymore missed opportunities.

Tyler is 17 years old, has a job and a girlfriend and a bunch of friends. I remember what it was like to be his age. I didn't want to be home either. I understand, I really do. It's hard to face the fact that he will be grown soon and be out on his own. I don't get to see him much as it is. Sara is only two years behind. Mikey is past the cuddly stage. He only likes Mommy hugs when he wants them, but he still gives me hugs each day - just really quick ones. Kelsey is Kelsey. As far as I see it she will never stop being her sweet little self. (I can only hope, right?)

I was listening to some music a little bit ago and a song came on called "Good Morning Beautiful" and it made me feel so lonely for the old days when my kids were little. Mikey would sing that song to me almost every morning. I melted of course. That was during the time in his life that he would hug no one but his momma. I use to have to tell him to hug his grandma or he would feel like he was betraying me by hugging someone else. Sweet little boy. I sure do miss those days.

I started looking for some old videos on the computer and found some to add to this post. They will mean nothing to you but they mean the world to me. I remember being so annoyed with Tyler and Sara for acting retarded in the background of this video of Mikey but now when I watch it I just laugh at their silliness.



And of course I couldn't get the other video to load correctly so it will have to wait for another post/another day.